I, The Cat

Hi. I, the cat shall now give you an exclusive interview on my thoughts on life and particularly on the intruders of my house. Mind you, however, that I am not doing this because you asked. No, that is far from it. As you well now from the preliminary material I gave you to read, I, the cat, do not do anything because you ask me. I only do it because I want to. Therefore, listen well, write fast, as I hate repeating. I am the cat, His Royal Highness King Emperor of the Entire House, Pumpkin Pie the First.

If you have lived with any of the feline species before, you know that you do not own us. Far from it. We, the cats, own you. When we want you to give us fish, you give it. When we want a nice roaring fire, you make it. When we want more food or a nice clean kitty box to use, we howl, meow and generally make your life miserable until you fix whatever we want. As I said, you do not own us. When you got us, I suppose you thought that you were getting us to give you company. As is supported by the afore mentioned examples, that view is far from the truth. You got us, so we would have owners and masters to give us everything we want when we want how we want. You can never be our master. We are your masters. The most you and we can ever be is partners. However, this relationship is only entered into after many years of living together. So, to summarize this paragraph, we are your masters, you are not our's.



Now that we have that most important fundamental truth down, I shall tell you about my life. On the most part, I have a good life. I have a good life because I make it a good life. When I want to sleep, I sleep. When I want to get on the counter or table, I do. I really don't know why all the humans try to get me off of the table and counter. For some strange reason it is against their law for me to get on these places. Out the door with that. As I said before, they exist to please me, not the other way around. At my request and insistence my humans will cuddle, feed, and clean my cat box every day. So one would think I have a pretty good life. Unfortunately, that is not true. There are 3 major disturbances to my having a perfect and relaxing life.

First of all, there is my cat-brother, Felix. He is so rich. For one, he is always ready to go out and socialize with the big rich cats, as he is always wearing a tuxedo. Me? I have no such thing, I have no way anyhow in the conceivable future to get a tux. Secondly, Felix is rich because he is, in his own words, and I quote, "the top cat because my human is the top human." See, the human realm transcends into the feline realm. Whoever is the special cat of the top human is top cat. Unfortunately, Felix has snagged that spot for about 16 years and is not about to give it up! Felix hangs around his human all the time. Remember I said he goes out and socializes with the big cats? Well, he has also cultivated his talents quite well too. He and his human (notice, I didn't say the human and him) will play music a lot. At times, Felix gives his own performance!

I must say though, I do have a defender and special human. She calls me, "Keke", and protects me from all the bad things the other humans do and say to me. The only other bad thing about Felix is that he is a grouch, a just plain grouch. While every cat takes a cat nap once in a while, Felix does them all the time. If "sleeping" was a song, Felix would be playing it on and on forever on repeat! So naturally Felix is not a good playmate as he sleeps 25 hours out of the day. However, when Felix is sleeping, I am "top cat". And that's pretty much most of the time.

Now for the second disturbance in my perfect life. Called "Lola". Lola came in a big big cage this past June and stayed like for a month this summer. I was SO excited when she first came, but there was just one problem. Lola would never be let out of her cage when I was around. Every evening when Lola would be coming out I would be herded off to a room, and the door rudely slammed into my face. What do these people think I am? Their pet? Remember what I said? The humans are the cat's servants, not the cats the human's servants. Right after I finish this post I will have to go talk to my Mommy and straighten things out! As I stand wistfully at the door waiting to be let out, I hear the humans paying attention to the BIRD and not to ME. Don't you see? What treason! What a terrible act, to not pay attention, ALL of your attention, to ME, the cat and ruler of the house! I really had thought Lola and I would have some fun. At least I would anyway. The humans had always bought me this dry, dead cat food in which I have to do nothing but eat this square brown stuff. I thought Lola was some new moving cat food! Apparently my servants didn't think so. And then this whole episode started again when Lola came for a week last week...While I am the ruler of the household, I shall never understand why the humans do some of the things they do! And oh yeah, when I'd try to go up to Lola and say "hi", to sniff her and check her out, my servants told me to get off! THOSE HUMANS!!!!!!!

Now finally for my last disturbance in my life. Right when the humans get rid of Lola, about a week later they bring in a NEW animal!!! One would think my servants are turning MY kingdom into an animal hotel or something! WELL. If they did, they certainly didn't ask me!!!!! This time it was a dog. Well, a puppy to be exact. And certainly different than Lauren. See, Lauren was the dog I lived with until last month when she went away, and she's never come back. When the humans would throw a toy for her (Note: not paying attention to wonderful, deserving ME), I'd go intercept Lauren, guard the toy, and bat at her like "it's MY toy!" Of course it wasn't the truth, but I had to get the humans to pay attention to me some way!!

So this new puppy's name is Beto or something. And he sure has energy! Like when he comes out to play (CAN YOU BELIEVE THE HUMANS SPEND FOUR HOURS A DAY PLAYING WITH HIM?!?!?) He just romps all over the kitchen floor with his bone collection and I seriously believe I would go crazy if gates weren't set up to contain that um, um, energy ball in the kitchen! Just about 2 seconds after Beto was dropped off for the weekend (how am I going to survive???) Felix and I came up to Beto in his crate as the um, un-welcoming committee.We told him that while our servants may have invited him, WE certainly didn't. Now if he, and our servants, all co-operated according to OUR rules, everything might just turn out fine. But we told him to watch his moves. We also told him that he was the visiting team and we were the home team, even though Felix and I don't match. Unfortunately the humans sure don't seem to share our superior feline view. They call him "cute", "funny", and "adorable", and talk on and on and on and ON about how happy they are that they could dog-sit him and how he's coming back at Christmas time. COMING BACK?!? NOOOOOOOOOOO! I will have to have a loooooooooong talk with my favorite human about this Beto thing. The only problem is, is that my favorite human is also the biggest supporter of  dog-sitting Beto every once in a while. So this will take quite some strategy and brain work and smooth talk on my part!

WELL. I just realized how long I've talked. I must go now because I am throughly dirty and almost halfway through my daily bath routine. If you don't remember anything else from this, remember to always please your cats in every which way! I will have to work with my humans some more on this subject...

His Royal Highness, King Emperor of the Entire House, Pumpkin Pie the First

His Royal Highness, King Emperor of the Entire House, Pumpkin Pie the First