Remember last month how I told you Mr. Intruder had come? Well, when that young foolish whippersnapper tried to get friendly with me, even through the door, I hissed. (Bat, Me-OW, HISSSSSS!!!) Now, (Bat, Me-OW, HISSSSSS!!!) I can hardly do ANYTHING without that whippersnapper tackling me! That's what's distracting me as I write this article now. I just can't seem to get ANY rest (Bat, Me-OW, HISSSSSS!!!) with him around! I can't even e-meow!
Of course, you have probably figured out that Mr. Intruder is out of his bathroom quarantine now. Sadly. (Bat, Me-OW, HISSSSSS!!!) I hear my humans call this Marine of a cat "Wiggles". I call him "THAT Thing"!! When my totally brainless humans brought THAT Thing out of the bathroom, all my worst dreams came true. THAT Thing never gives up. Maybe he wants to play, but it sure is too much play for me. He just comes right up to me out of the blue, and tackles me. He bites me on my neck, hard. Or my tail. Or wherever else he feels like biting.
Such brainless humans I have. They just don't understand! (Bat, Me-OW, HISSSSSS!!!) They have brought into my heretofore purrrrr-fect domain an intruder. A young, foolish, brainless whippersnapper that thinks that he should rule the house! I'll tell you, and I'll tell him! This is my house. My humans. My things. He is number two! Now I as unquestionable ruler of the house must fight to retain my position, or THAT Thing will rule and I shall never be happy again! I must bat at THAT Thing. I must bite, meow, and HISS as much as I can. (Bat, Me-OW, HISSSSSS!!!) Why can't THAT Thing just leave me alone? I mean, a cat's gotta be left alone sometimes! The problem is THAT Thing tackles me like every 30 seconds. Hard.
Sadly I realize that THAT Thing will never go away. He is here to stay, and my worst nightmares have come true. I only have two consolations now: the bathroom and MY cat tree. See, THAT Thing doesn't spend the night out in the main part of the house. In the evening my (semi) wise humans put him back in the box (also known as the bathroom) and take his batteries out. So all night long I sleep in peace. (Bat, Me-OW, HISSSSSS!!!) As you see I certainly don't have peace now with THAT Thing up! My humans' ranking slightly improved when they went away for nine days and left THAT Thing in the bathroom. The whole time. It was just like the good ole' days when I was an only cat a few months ago. I was happy to see my humans to come home, but NOT happy to see THAT Thing again! (Bat, Me-OW, HISSSSSS!!!)
The only other consolation I have is my new cat tree that my sometimes brainless, sometimes slightly wise servants bought for me recently. They put me on the highest perch, and when THAT Thing--complete with claws and teeth--tries to attack my rightful throne, he gets a mouthful! I make sure he gets it, and understands that he is number two. (Bat, Me-OW, HISSSSSS!!!)
Well, I must go now. My humans are putting THAT Thing back in his box, and I must get some must needed sleep while I can. Before I have to resume the fight.
Sincerely, a very frustrated and exhausted
His Royal Highness,
King Emperor Still
Of the Entire House,
Pumpkin Pie the First
His Royal Highness,
King Emperor STILL
of the Entire House,
Pumpkin Pie the First
It's Alison again! Where can I find more "I the Cat"articals?
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